i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
