there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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