i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
