Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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