I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
