you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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