Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
