If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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