Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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