oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
