Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
