Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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