I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
