so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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