His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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