He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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