Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize