No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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