fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
