so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
