For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
