The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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