So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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