I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
