What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
