whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
