Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
