if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
