I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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