When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
