I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
