I intend to get homeless drunk
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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