My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
