Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
