Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
