My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
