whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
