just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
