This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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