I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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