How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it because I queefed?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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