I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pants are for mortals
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
