you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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