oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
