You're a womanizer and a bitch.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
