I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
