yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
