Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
