it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
