No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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