Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
