hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
