Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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