She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
