Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
