apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
