Princesses don't give blow jobs
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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